Dad Who Attempted Suicide is Declared “Voluntarily Underemployed” for Child Support Purposes

This is one of the most sickening and inhumane cases of child “support” abuse I’ve ever seen or heard of. Laconia New Hampshire voters have a moral obligation to vote Family Court Judge Lucinda Sadler off the bench, and that pronto.

There is more than one issue in this case that’s deserving of discussion. First, is the absolute twisted and perverted abuse of discretion exercised by Judge Lucinda Sadler.

Obviously, when a father attempts suicide, there’s most likely an underlying mental health issue. It’s well-known that some fathers commit suicide following the realization that they cannot meet their child support obligations. Once that becomes a reality, suicide for some, makes a better choice than perpetual incarceration.

Although New Hampshire Child Support guidelines, are allegedly designed to be in the “best interests” of the child, as is supposedly the case in many states, a question that begs of an answer is this; “What’s more in the best interests of a child? A father who is mentally stable and therefore able to be a meaningful part of his children’s lives both physically and emotionally, or, a forcefully absent father who is ordered to pay higher amounts of child support?”

Apparently, the sick and vile Judge Sadler of Laconia New Hampshire, defines a child’s best interests not by how emotionally fit and therefore better able a father is to be a meaningful part of his children’s lives; but rather, by how much money the evil Judge Sadler can forcefully extract from said father in monthly child support payments.

Your Honorless, I can assure you that as someone who grew up without a father, and as someone who to this day doesn’t understand, comprehend or know the true meaning of a father-son bond, I would trade all the money in the world to know what said bond felt like. And although I had and am very thankful for “Steve” who assumed that role and made a tremendous difference in my life which was completely out-of-control when we met, I still don’t understand that bond between a biological father and son.

Next, the mother of the twin girls, Joanne Fontaine, needs to be meticulously scrutinized for her role in this tragedy. Time and time again, fathers are humiliated, castigated, criticized and demonized in the press for their parenting skills, or “lack” thereof. This, while a mother’s parenting skills and abilities often go unchecked, and are assumed to be without imperfection.

As I’ve stated many times, I am not a misogynist. However, given what Ohio Council for Fathers Rights represents and fights against, I personally witness mainly horrific and appalling behaviors by custodial mothers. I witness the behavior that the mainstream press, misandrists, and radical feminists refuse to even acknowledge, much less will admit even exists.

That said, I offer you insight into “the other side” where mothers such as Joanne Fontaine should at the very least, have their motives questioned. Despite her allegations of the father, Calvin Dunn, hiding assets and income, her allegations were unfounded and therefore rendered meaningless by the trial court.

What’s there to question about a “struggling mother” trying to get more “child support?” Well, I say everything, when her greed in what would be a never-ending quest for more money, is a contributing factor to her daughters’ father’s failed suicide attempt.

How can I assume that child support was a contributing factor to this father’s suicide attempt? I’ve spoken with enough crying and desperate fathers, read enough suicide stories, and have witnessed with my own eyes, the tragic consequences associated with fathers who are saddled with child support obligations that they simply do not have the financial ability to meet.

If Joanne Fontaine has any concern whatsoever for the “best interests of her children,” if Joanne Fontaine was anything less than greedy and selfish, then someone please argue as to how a mother such as her, stands back and watches while the mental health of her children’s father deteriorates to such degree that he attempts suicide?

Ignorance is not a valid excuse. I can assure you that for those who are unlucky enough to be involved in contentious litigation involving their children, they are well aware as to the mental capacity of the other parent. This includes their capacity for practicing unconscionable evil.

So why wouldn’t Joanne Fontaine cut the father of her twin daughters some slack, back off with the litigation, and wait to argue for more “child support” dollars after Calvin Dunn has become more emotionally stable?

My opinion? It’s quite possible that not only did she savor his deteriorating mental condition, she may have actually delectated in his mental demise. Moreover, she may have meticulously nurtured the decline in his mental health. Before you dismiss that scenario as ludicrous, ask yourself why she continued wielding her unstoppable “Family” Court war hammer as she did?

“Why that’s absurd Tony,” you say, “have you lost your mind?” Absolutely not. I am merely speaking from my own experiences in the cases that I have been personally involved with. To date, I have been hesitant to blog about the unfathomable, twisted, and hateful evil that I have and continue to witness. I’ve seen the “crack-moms” jeer and celebrate in court after their hatred and lies put the father of their children behind bars.

I’ve seen the transcripts, filled with seething hatred, where some mothers have in open court and under oath testified, “I don’t care if you lose your house, I don’t care if you lose your car, and I don’t care if you become homeless and are incarcerated” when asked during cross-examination, “Don’t you care that your actions may cause the father of your child to be lose his home, lose his job, become homeless and be incarcerated?”

I cannot stress enough that I am not “anti-mom”, I am not a misogynist, I am not against “equal” rights, and I am not a “mom-basher.” However, I can no longer sit silent as yet another father attempts to take his life, and this, after having been driven there by “the system” itself.

Are we really to believe that a willfully blind Court along with a ruthless, abusive and hateful “child support” system are truly acting only in the “best interests” of this father’s daughter after they’ve driven him over the edge, and into such an utterly hopeless and mentally and emotionally defeated state, that he orchestrates and then executes a plan whereby he hopes to meet his demise? That’s in the “best interest” of his precious daughter? A fatherless child is in that child’s best interest?

The “Family” courts and “child support” system are routinely manipulated and then wielded as an unstoppable, unchecked, and “all-powerful” weapon that in the hands of a vindictive, hateful and vengeful custodial mother, that’s used to destroy the life of a father. An orchestrated and hateful, vindictive no-holds-barred vengeance is continuously inflicted upon him until in some cases, he opts for suicide after recognizing that it offers him the “only” logical escape.

I regularly see and witness inexplicable evil. An evil that ultimately harms and punishes the very children it claims to protect, and I simply do not understand it, so much so, that I cannot even intellectualize it. It makes no sense, and I’m so thankful that I’m without the mental faculties to comprehend it. Lest, I would be one of “them.”

I am eternally grateful for the conscious and the lucid morals that my late mother instilled in me.

“Thanks Mom.”

Tony Fantetti
Ohio Council for Fathers Rights
Email: tony.fantetti(at)ocffr(dot)org

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36 Responses to Dad Who Attempted Suicide is Declared “Voluntarily Underemployed” for Child Support Purposes

  1. Bud says:

    “Once that becomes a reality, suicide for some, makes a better choice than perpetual incarceration.”

    I tried that, and failed. I was unemployed (that economy thing), clinically depressed, and had a factual finding that I was capable of earning $125,000/year. I expected to wake up in hell, and found myself restrained in a hospital bed, with all the same factual findings against me. I’ll know Tuesday whether I am destined for a jail cell

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      Please email me at tony.fantetti(atsymbol)ocffr(dot)org as I wish to discuss your situation with you by phone if you’re willing.



      • corey says:

        Hello, and welcome to my story.

        I am a single father and have 4 kids with 2 different mothers. My oldest two with one mother and my youngest two with a second. With my oldest 2 I have full custody of our daughter and she has full custody of our son. She does not want child support from me because I am a good dad and despite our differences we have enough of a relationship that either of us have access to our children respectively and share in the raising of them. But because I am a working father and she receives SSI and state assistance the state reserved the right to come after me for child support. Since I was making less then my “expected worth” child support was based apoun what my “expected worth” was Totally ignoring the fact that I was also receiving support from the state in food stamps & medical (for my other 3 kids and GF that was a stay at home mom the entire relationship) since I was not making enough money to support myself and my children. I was ordered to pay support. I busted my ass to get this re looked into but since I had no money for a lawyer I was denied at every turn. I was forced to find a way to continue to survive and provide for all of my family.

        A few years later my youngest kids mom decided that she wanted to sleep with my best friend after being together for 5 years…long story short, yet another split household (Me and my oldest daughter moved out and into low income housing and began to try and put our lives back together (again). We (the ex and I) were able to keep things “equitable” and verbally agreed that we shared 50/50 custody. I would take them one week, she the next. This continued on for a year or so until she moved in with her new BF and got married. This is when things started to get problematic and I would be denied time with the kids or “punished” for not being able to take our kids when she wanted. During this time I was laid off from my job with the federal government when the economy tanked. I was receiving unemployment, paying child support (still based on my “worth”), actively looking for work, fending off bill collectors, raising a daughter full time and staying active and involved with my 3 other kids (40 to 60% depending on the mothers moods and needs). When unemployment ran out I still could not find work (according to the national workforce centers I was in a group of unemployed Americans dubbed unemployable due to age, debt, economy and credit score!!). So I used my knowledge and experience as a computer tech and I opened my own computer repair business. I repaired computers from my home, subcontracted out to larger firms to do in home warranty repairs in remote locations. In no way was I living up to my “worth” but I was managing, I was holding it together, I was still a father doing the best I could with the cards I had. What little I got for tax refunds in that 3 years was purely based on EIC because I PHYSICLY had 1 child in the home (I used that money to try and stabilize my situation, make car repairs, went cloths shopping for all my kids, made up for b-days not properly celebrated and I did the unthinkable in one of my exes eyes…over those 3 years I bought a TV to replace my 10 year old one, a couch to replace my 14 year old one and a portable all-in-one washer and dryer). Once my youngest kids mom learned of this from that moment on she started to ask me for more and more money. I gave her whatever I could when I had it, this was never enough and would use that fact that I had purchased these things as fact I could give her more. I’m sure some of you reading this would probably agree and start bashing me. I also think it is rather important and enlightening to point out some facts.

        During this time she is married and between them are making between 50-60K a year (gross) they have a house. In their garage they have ATV’s, snowmobiles, motorcycle and a boat. Over the last 5 years they have bought 3 couches (that I know of) and at least 1 TV, a new dodge charger, has a truck and a suv. They also have 4 kids in and out of the house. He has a daughter that lives with her mom and my ex has a daughter from a previous relationship and our two kids. They also enjoy regular road trips, vacations, concerts and date nights. Meanwhile I live in low income housing, I’m running my own business making 12-14k (gross), have a 97 Pontiac firebird (fully paid for), receiving medical assistance for my oldest daughter, and still managing to regularly have my kids and paying child support for my oldest son.

        7-8 Months ago a friend referred me to a job opening as a home health aide; no experience necessary and they were in need. I had never done this, this was not my chosen “field” but a job is a job!!! So I applied and I GOT THE JOB!!! For the first time in 3 years I was looking at a dependable income. Not only was I now a full time employee but I was also working overnight shifts that were 1 week on 1 week off. Now I had a budget to work with and could try and put my life back together (again) and be even more available for my kids and dare I say it….I would be able to have a decent x-mass with my kids and b-day presents….yes these were things that were weighting heavy on me over those years and now I was going to be able to start to break even in life.

        Until……She filed for child support on me and was asking the court for $450 a month. Shortly after that my car started to breakdown and the shop estimate would be 4k to fix. We went to court and the judged took her gross income and my gross income and combined and split down the middle. But because custody or visitation was never established by the court and despite the fact that I was able to prove over the last 6 months I have had the kids and have an active role in my kids lives she was awarded child support. The judge sighted that she was eligible to receive $411 a month but that he did not feel he could only leave me with $800 a month to live off of (which is almost $700 below the Federal poverty line for a house hold of 2). So he instead ordered me to pay $300 a month plus % of medical expenses and any child care costs she should incur (in the best interest of the kids). Effectively leaving me with $900 a month ($600 below federal poverty) minus whatever medical or child care expenses they incur since I will now be too broke to take care of them. Now it currently costs me $1400 a month for basic living expenses (rent, gas, insurance, utilities, and food). I will be $500 short every month.

        While 3 of my kids are afforded the right to be financially supported by me and my time with them all but ignored my oldest daughter is afforded no such right. Because low income housing is determined by gross income my rent cannot be adjusted. Child support is taken out after taxes and there by dose not affect gross income. I was also told and I quote “Paying child support is not considered a basic living expense and is treated as a bill, something that can be ignored or not paid” Effectively making me pay %60 of my gross. I contacted food support and was told the exact same thing, child support dose not effect gross and I therefore make too much money to receive medical for myself or food stamps for my daughter and kids when there here (which by the way they don’t count as being in my house since the mother is presumed to have full custody).

        With one stroke of a pen based on some ridiculous system I went from being an active father, full time employee and barely making ends meet to $600 behind on child support and next month I will not have enough money to pay for my BASIC needs and will be far enough behind on child support that I can be labeled a dead beat dad and taken to jail for failure to pay. Legal aid cannot help because they don’t do child support, I obviously cannot afford a lawyer and my future prospect is to lose my job because I cannot get to work, become homeless, go to jail for child support evasion and loose custody of my oldest daughter because I cannot properly support her in the eyes of social services. And as I am typing this my oldest daughter is standing behind me asking if there is anything to eat and my ex is asking me to find a babysitter for the kids (I have to work) so her and her husband can go out and celebrate……please all you self righteous deadbeat dad haters please tell me how I’m getting what I deserved for having kids. Tell me what a piece of shit dad i am. Please explain to me how this is all being done under the guise of what’s best in the kid’s interest.

        There really is only one option, atleast maybe my daughter will have a chance at a decent life.

  2. Josh says:

    I’m on my last leg. I dont know what to do either. I make $132K. My ex is now trying to get more child support. I paid 800 a month for 3 years during which time I was unemployed, and between jobs. and Now the courts raised my child support to $1540 PER MONTH. This is temporary until Feb 23 2012. I was told I would have to pay 1839 plus the courts are looking at making me pay the difference from 800 to 1839 retroactive back to when we seperated in 2008. I would not only owe 36K in back support I would have an increase that I cant afford. I never missed a child support payment and now I dont know how I can afford this. I am remarried and still a big part of my boys lives. I live in a different state than they do. If the support goes up and I am forced to pay back support I wont be able to afford to go see them. this will increase my support even more because I will not be paying to travel and see them. I dont know whats going to happen after FEB. but suicide is likely a possible option. What am I supose to do? How do I take care of my family? I have life insurance that my ex cant touch. I take one day at a time and each day gets harder and harder as reality sets in.

  3. Chris says:

    Well, right now I’m not facing jail, however I’m working 85 at two jobs and coming home with about 600 month. I’ve been living on the grace of others the my girl friend an daughter in tow I’ve called foc and they said the child suport would be stoped! on my second job. I’m at the end of my rope and no mater what I try I get further behind. I’m working so much and making so little I can’t afford the gas to see my kids I feel like the state of mi does not care about anyone but te mother!

  4. Dominick says:

    i too pay child support and am a victim to the poor mom gets rich from man and its legal type of child support scam we have here in america. This strategy works perfect with illuminati break down of the family structure that way we can be easily more controlled. IF you dont have parents to teach you right and wrong, then the state will happily when its totalitarian. They want the fathers to commit suicide…. duhhhhh…people wake up…..i live with my parents and have little hope for the future, i feel so bad for my son and he has no idea his dad is being humiliated, tormented, and forced to his knees. No the mothers dont care, would you if they offered you a chance to destroy someones life, who gave you life.. wow man, thats so much power… our govt needs a citizens arrest

  5. Tony Fantetti says:

    When it comes to politics Dominick, both Democrats and Republicans have demonized fathers and very happily and brazenly sold us down river (at the expense of our children) in order to secure and capitalize on the female vote.

    That’s so in my humble opinion because as a voting bloc and with regard to dads in generally, there’ s no nationwide political organization that speaks as one for us.

    Personally, I didn’t vote (for the first time in my life) because although I’m a Constitutional Conservative who has voted a mostly Republican ticket in the past, I couldn’t stomach voting for McCain. He’s a Liberal in Republican cloak.

    That said, you make a good point with regard to politics and the state of our “former” Republic. I say former, because we have a President who through unconstitutional means, and via executive orders governs by fiat and thereby imposes his will upon us through his Totalitarian regime.

    We are in fact living in tyranny in my humble opinion as Obama is without a doubt a despot.

    I normally refrain from politics, however it’s my opinion that we as a country are at a precipice right now, and therefore none who claims to be a Conservative or a Republican (they aren’t one in the same) can afford to sit by idly any longer.

    As much as I detest RHINO Republicans who are in fact Liberals in reality, I will support and vote for any Republican candidate (that includes the loathsome Romney) who’s running against the Tyrant-in-Chief Obama.

    My attitude now is fix America first, and if she survives, fix Fatherhood by electing father (and America) friendly politicians.

  6. DeadbeatDead says:

    When my Mom was dying in the April of 2003, my ex-wife used my leaving to see her as an excuse to move on….as in get a divorce. She was pregnant with a set of twins at the time. I didn’t understand it then and I damn sure don’t understand it now. However, you all are reading the words of someone who is about to travel down that road and by the time that you’ve read this; I will probably be eternally relieved from my pressures in life.

    She changed her phone numbers, filed for the divorce and I didn’t even know the names of the kids until I got a letter from the Kern County Child Support Office. People told me to go on, to live my life and I attempted doing so. I met a nice woman who had two beautiful girls and we started a life together. The whole time I was looking over my shoulders and wondering even though that I am in South Carolina would California law make it’s way to that state. At this moment in time I didn’t know if the kids were mine or not. I felt like the walls were closing in on me when I had got a decent paying job that required for me to open up a bank account through their designated credit union and while they were running a credit report for me the woman told me that one ding in my credit is from the Texas Attorney General Office for Child Support.

    Seven years later into my new relationship and out of nowhere my ex-wife shows up calling my Father. She stated that she has two twin boys and that they are mine. The reality came more clear when she sent me pictures in my cell phone. One of the kids in my mind kind of resembled me.

    During my first conversation with my ex-wife after seven years of our separation she told me that she was cheating on her husband with a drug dealer named Kemal and that she was residing in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Her husband was a U.S. Marine by the name of Sharif and they have two twin girls together. She went on to tell me that while she was out spending the night at her boyfriend’s house that her husband came in and molested the boys while they were asleep.

    One thing lead to another and she was about to be homeless. I’ve never met these kids before and she stated that she needed me to come pick them up before the State took custody of them.

    I rented a Mustang and drove up to Virginia Beach from South Carolina at the last minute to pick them up. The plan was for me to hold them for the summer. However, when I obtained the kids and brought them back to live with me, their behavior wasn’t that of a five year old. They were acting more like two year olds. They didn’t even know how to wash, wipe their own butts or even eat with a fork. Come to find out that the allegations that were made against Sharif were false and that they were coached into making up these lies. I even attempted to contact the case worker in Virginia to clear that man’s name. It done me no good.

    The state threatened to cut her money for the welfare that she was receiving and out of nowhere she blackmailed me with turning me in for non-support and having me incarcerated if I didn’t give the kids back to her. Fearful of jail I gave them back.

    People told me to get a paternity test before I raised another finger or sent her another dime. I thought that I had a right to ask for one in this case. However, when I was coming back to my apartment one night some neighbors told me that the Sheriff’s Office was at my door and that they were looking for me. In that area, police ’roundup busts’ are common. In the midst of my running, the Family Courts finally tracked my social security number down and started deducting the full amount of my child support from my unemployment benefits.

    Before I was captured by the officers I fled to a friend’s house in sheer panic. I went into hiding for months staying at hotel rooms and friend’s houses funded by my weekly unemployment benefits. The thoughts of being locked in a cage scared the ever loving shit out of me. I picked up on binge drinking and chain smoking cigarettes. With the only thing that kept me company was a computer I had done some Youtube videos about my views of the world until a friend of mine had told me to try live social broadcasting.

    This kept me company for a while. I would play the role of a radio DJ and entertain a chat room of people from around the world. I finally found a place to reside where nobody could find me which would be the house that I grew up in. The only thing that took my mind off of the harsh reality was firing up my webcam and broadcasting to people around the world with my music and my personality. I would drink myself to sleep plenty of nights while talking to people via skype (an online telephone service) that I met on the internet.

    One day that wasn’t enough. I was tired of going out on the town wondering if I had got questioned by any officer for my identification that they would see the warrant that was out for my arrest. I couldn’t even walk down the street or drive anywhere in fear that an officer might run my license plate in and pull me over.

    When conversing one night I was told by a friend of mine that I met on the broadcast site to face the music and get it over with. The thought scared me. I contemplated for a week how I was going to end my own life. I went out that Monday and treated myself to a good meal, chatted with a friend on skype from a restaurant via my laptop and told her all kinds of things about me….my favorite place to go in my town and the things I like to do there. I pretty much gave her a virtual tour of my favorite coffee house.

    Thursday was going to be the day that I made up in my mind to end it all. I had got to drinking and pretty much told my close friends that I was dead anyhow. That was going to be the night. I loaded the shotgun and put it under my chin. I went to pull the trigger and it wouldn’t fire.

    I threw the gun down, stood up and with tears in my eyes I looked in the mirror. I couldn’t take the hurt anymore, I couldn’t take the pain or the stress. I pulled the title to my car out, signed the back of it and left the keys on the stove with a note to whatever family member wondered where I was. I didn’t want my family to find me in that house with my head blown off. I went to turn myself in and faced the music. With a beer buzz from the night before I stepped out into the warm spring sun and walked a mile from my house to the bus stop. I got on the bus and caught it to the main terminal in Downtown and walked up Main Street with the fear that I was facing coming more of a reality.

    I remember walking across an interstate overpass and looking down at the interstate and thinking to myself that it could be much easier if I climbed the rail and jumped into oncoming traffic. But I kept moving forward.

    I remember approaching the Detention Center. I lit a cigarette as I looked at the building. I walked closer and closer. When I got to the walkway a woman asked me if she could bum a smoke. I had nearly a full pack and I handed them all to her and told her that she could have them. A woman that was standing there with her (which was her mom) asked me why would I give away a whole pack of Newports being that they are expensive. I told her that I was turning myself in. She just ran up to me and hugged me as if she was a long lost family member. I stood outside and smoked one last cigarette before I walked in the lobby and seen the desk officer. I gave him my license and told him that I was turning myself in.

    He took it to the back and came back outside and stood tall but not in a fearful way. About five minutes later a male Sheriff’s Deputy called my name, I walked up to him when he told me to face the glass door in front of me and put my hands behind my back.

    He told me that I would have been better off turning myself in on a Monday being that I would probably not have to spend a weekend in jail. I remember telling the officer that I was going to kill myself the night before when something inside of me would rather face the music and live. He had taken down the numbers of the family members I had given them to let them know where I was and one of his primary concerns was if there was a loaded firearm in the house.

    When walking to the detention center by the same officer and his female partner, they told me that everything was going to be alright and that she would be praying for me. When I was checked into the jail I was taken to what looked like a cage where the guy with no emotion to his face asked for every article of my clothing right down to my underwear and told me to bend over and cough. Then he handed me what they called a suicide smock or what is also known as a turtle suit.

    He then shackled me from head to toe and escorted me to a room where there was nothing but a hole in the floor and fecal matter on the ceiling. This is when they gave me what they called lexapro….the generic brand that didn’t come out on the public market until last month and this was last year when I turned myself in. I was an experiment. I woke up in sweats and had panic attacks. I tried to sleep for the most of the time and when I thought I was asleep for hours, it was like only two hours.

    Day number 2 in there I was wishing to dear God that the gun had have went off. It wasn’t until Monday when I could get released from that shit hole and it felt liberating to have been going in with the general population instead of being stuck in that goddamn room.

    I found out that night that Osama Bin Laden was killed and people were celebrating. However, I had a court date the next day and I was trying to convince myself that everything was going to be alright. I didn’t sleep the night before. I spent it looking out of the window at the cars driving by and thought about the lyrics to the Johnny Cash song.

    Tuesday I seen the Judge. They brought me in the court room wearing handcuffs and shackles. My lawyer was there and even he was about to be in tears from the pain that he had seen on my face.

    The Judge had a reputation for being a bigot but somehow he had seen where my unemployment was paying the support and told me to try to get the order reduced. I was released a different person. I was traumatized by being in there. I AM NOT GOING BACK!!!!!

    Since then my support came from my unemployment which the benefits are now exhausted. If I don’t find a job soon and now I’m in the midst of losing my place to stay; they will come looking for me again. However, I am not taking that chance. I would rather die than to go on living with that fear on my brain.

    I am not a criminal. When you are in jail you see how inhumane that people can be. I feel sorry for people now more than ever that have to serve one minute in that shit hole. Boiled eggs and cold grits for breakfast, bologna sandwiches and a bag of chips for lunch, some kind of bullshit substance for dinner shitting on an iron toilet, no fucking cold water. That is not me and I will never be there again.

    I just hope that one day our government ceases to victimize people like me. I am not a deadbeat Dad and even if I was, I am not a criminal deserving of that treatment. Women all day everyday can put their kids up for adoption, abort them and not have to worry about this kind of abuse throughout the course of their lives.

    I wake up every morning wondering where these kids are. Will they ever see me again and how they are getting along. The legal system is not on my side on this one and why should they be?

    I don’t want to live like this any longer. I am the richest poor man that anyone of you could ever know. I can be in an expensive resort one weekend and be in the ghettos of South Carolina the next. Those are just some of the curveballs life has thrown me.

    Be that as it may, I want to bid you all a farewell and hope that your struggles are not as bad as mine have gotten.

  7. charles says:

    I’m at the end of the rope after dealing with my daughters crazy mom and family court and child support , they just doubled my monthly payments put me up to 76% of medical after insurance ,yes I do have insurance ,she’s self employed they said she dosent make enough money to figure child support so they put her at making minimum wage ,$16000year she gets credit for her other two kids something close to $8000 so that brings her to making $8000 a year ,,she showed that she made over $35000 last year but then she wrote of like $26000 ,she has a $500 month car allowance but they say she don’t make any money ,,this year ill make close to $25000 that’s with all the over time I’ve worked ,with insurance ,taxes ,doubled child support payments ,I will not be able to live ,not sure what my next step is ….

  8. Tony Fantetti says:


    Please understand that as hopeless as life may seem right now, at some point in the future things will improve. I’ve been where you are, so I can truly emphasize with your distress. So PLEASE…Don’t ever lose hope. If you lose hope, you’ll have little to live for.

    I at one time had a perfect credit history, owned three homes, had nearly $100,000 in securities. Additionally, I was well down the road to retiring with millions when I reached my mid-fifties.

    That, until I was ordered to pay nearly $1300/mo in “child support” as well as provide health insurance and pay the out-of-pocket medical expenses for my daughter back in 2004.

    In 2005, I filed for bankruptcy and had one home foreclosed. In 2007 the other two homes were foreclosed as well, and I was terminated for the first time ever from my employment.

    My employer back then fired me after the Hamilton County Sheriff’s “Fugitive Warrant Unit” went to my place of employment to arrest me on a civil contempt warrant related to my divorce which was ongoing at the time.

    I was found in contempt because the court ordered me to make monthly payments to my daughter’s mother for “equity” in a pre-marital rental property of mine that not only was she not entitled to, I was upside down on the mortgage due to the housing bubble bursting. There was therefore no equity in the property, none. But facts and truth never stop a court from abusing a good and loving father.

    However, after being ordered to make those monthly payments on the court’s fantasy, I “couldn’t” do so due to about 65% of my net monthly pay being seized by the same court under the guise of “child support.”

    So after the court literally bankrupted me through said “child support” order, that same court then jailed me for being so financially devastated and destitute that I had no money to pay what it ordered me to.

    Oh, did I mention that given my “visitation” order at the time, I had my daughter with me exactly 50% of the time?

    We had no heat in the house during most of the winters, and wore hats, gloves, and winter coats while inside the house during the winter months. And despite that, we were still cold…Always.

    I will never, ever forget the day when my daughter (5 at the time) looked me straight in the eyes; we were sitting on the landing to the 3rd floor steps while wearing our gloves, hats and winter coats inside the home, she very innocently asked me “daddy, why is it always cold over here?”

    I had no answer for her. And as her father, I felt like a complete and utter loser as well as an abject failure who was in no way deserving of such a precious and terrific child.

    I was so beaten down and hopeless at one time that I called an National Guard recruiter and met with him. I took the entrance exam and scored high enough on it that given my background and education, he suggested I take an Engineering or IT type job.

    I told him, “no.” I further explained that before I’d sign the papers he’d have to guarantee me in writing that I’d get an infantry position and would be immediately deployed to Iraq patrolling the streets of Baghdad.

    I wanted that position due to the high number of casualties. I want to go to Iraq, but I didn’t want to come home, and if I didn’t, then my daughter would have grown up believing that her father died a war hero.

    But the night before I was to depart to Columbus OH with my recruiter to enlist, I called him and told him I’d changed my mind because “a five year old girl needed her daddy.”

    I had many incredibly long and hopeless years back then that were 100% caused by the State of Ohio’s and the court’s contemptuous, hateful, discriminatory and utterly vile treatment of good and loving fathers like us Charles.

    I truly believe that the system intentionally beats fathers down until they’re destroyed emotionally, financially and physically. They look at fathers as nothing more than ATM machines that should be punished by any means possible if they “can’t”, not don’t want to, but “can’t” pay their “child support” orders.

    If you disagree with me consider this; a child support order is basic math. A father (or noncustodial mother) must have the financial resources and thereby means to support themselves, or they can’t support themselves. It’s as simple as that.

    However, you have these highly educated people, magistrates and judges, that set “child support” orders so high, that using only kindergarten math, anyone can deduce that it’s impossible for the father to pay the amount he’s ordered to, has shown through his income and expense statement that he clearly cannot afford to pay what he’s ordered to, yet the court orders him to do so anyway.

    Does that make sense to you? Why order someone to pay an amount of money falsely called “child support” when you know they can’t afford to make the payments? Especially, knowing that the courts have the power to order a downward deviation in the calculated amount if the court feels there’s just cause or it’s in the best interest of the child?

    The only answer I can arrive at using simple logic is that the courts and the State of Ohio, through their “child support” related statues, intentionally destroy the lives of father’s, and thereby the lives of their children. Those very same children that the courts and the State of Ohio falsely claim to be protecting by using the phrase “it’s in the best interests of the children” so as to enamor the public for the purposes of garnering their support for the destruction of countless father’s lives via “child support” payments.

    However, the only “why” I can use to explain the willful destruction of so many lives is the word “profit” since Ohio actually ‘earns’ a profit off of “child support” orders, and the higher that order is, the more Ohio makes.

    And I honestly think that’s it, that sums it up; filling Ohio’s coffers off the backs of over a million good and loving Ohio father’s, but at the expense of the millions of Ohio’s precious children who are falsely said to be the recipient of those “child support” orders.

    Studies have shown and as most of us know; “child support” monies aren’t spent on the children of the order, they’re used to support the noncustodial parent’s lifestyle. Yes, there are some, not many, but some mothers who spend the money only on the children, but such instances are aberrations and not the norm.

    Charles, you have to do whatever you can to keep a roof over your head while simultaneously trying to play a meaningful role in the lives of your children, because I can tell from what you’ve said that the mother of them couldn’t care less about them, or she wouldn’t be bankrupting you by stealing your money through “child support.

    I picked garbage (and my daughter was with me most of the time) for years, so I could sell the items I found at yard sales. Although I lived on a busy street so that was helpful.

    But after I lost my last house, I was looking for a place to live in the woods in a tent. As bad as that sounds, and as horrible as it is to live that way, it may be something you might have to do if you can’t find a basement or couch to sleep in. I was once considering that option myself after I lost my job because I had nothing and nowhere to go.

    Whatever you do, please don’t lose your hope Charles. Otherwise, if you do, your mind will go places where it shouldn’t be, and your children will suffer in many ways as a result.


    Tony Fantetti
    Ohio Council for Fathers Rights
    Email: tony.fantetti(atsymbol)ocffr(dot)org

  9. mwhite says:

    My life has been ruined by child support and Im about to join the ranks of the others that committed suicide. I even have 50/50 custody and have my daughter more then my ex wife. Being injured and out of work and unable to pay, yet still reporting every 2 weeks showing im applying for jobs isnt good enough. All because of Medi Cal. This system is extremely flawed.

  10. Steve says:

    It is not better in Pennsylvania. When the economy tanked in ’08. I utilized the time to go to college and get retrained. I now have an IT degree after graduating with highest honors in December of 2011. By August of that year, I had found work in Washington DC supporting the US Navy with my abilities. It was then that my ex decided she wanted to end things. She had been seeing a 44 year old “man” who lives with his parents, and has 3 ex wives. I will not get into the paid off house and 2006 car her daddy bought her. I had agreed to pay her monthly a reasonable sum for support of the children. This enabled me to see my kids on a regular basis as well. She decides that it wasn’t enough. Considering what I was FINALLY making (About 48K yearly) she could make out like a bandit. So into the draconian Domestic Relations Court i go. With no regard to my NET income or what I had to pay to support myself (I was and am still trying to relocate to Virginia.) they looked at my GROSS income and decided that I could pay $1,100 a month and still be able to live. Fast forward to now. I am a vagrant that is transient and homeless barely clinging to my dream job that I was so happy to get. I was punished for bettering myself. Now with no hope of getting my own place, or even having a life, Student loans looming that I cant pay, I only see death as the relief. I’m tired of crying, shivering in the cold, and never able to have companionship. Because no woman wants a man who’s income is being siphoned away. I hate waking up every day. I hate breathing. I hate being alive and want it to end.

    • Steve says:

      I will add that the court treated me like a criminal. I had no rights. No say at all. Just take what they gave me and shut up.

    • Kotf says:

      when will you finally awake, there’s a part of you that is craving for freedom, No matter how far you have been broken, it’s still here.
      I dont know what I would do if I was you, But I know that nothing would ever stop me from being free, Even if it would cost life itself.
      Remember one day, it’s going to be over and you wont have to pay Child support again.
      Keep holding on into life knowing that you are not the only one fighting this fight. Do it because you are a man!
      best wishes

      I’m scared of women now, and that’s a good thing, so many great story written by real men!

      Sorry for mistakes I’m french.

  11. Kotf says:

    Nothing to gain, Nothing more to lose….
    Why even live if you cant be your own, wouldn’t you feel better dead?
    That’s the point!
    WHy even live if you wont ever see your child again!
    She’ll make sure to say to your own child how a shitty father you are as he grow up, so why are you guys bothering?

    Play your last card, Tell her that there is nothing more to gain If you cant see your own son grow up.
    That it would be better for her to let you see your child than to never receive money ever again!

    If she doesnt play with your rule well…
    Ghost are no more different than you to the point that death is gain.
    A part of her is livin inside you and once you’ll be gone, it’s going to hurt and destroy her.

    Im french and still a teen sorry for mistakes.

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      Thank you for your comments, they’re an interesting perspective and most appreciative. However, I must challenge you on your thinking as it appears that your position is one that proclaims that suicide is the “answer” and “way out” in times of extreme adversity, and I cannot subscribe to that. You position ‘freedom’ as the reward for taking ones own life, but fail to identify whom has been ‘freed’ as a result. The main points I take issue with regard to your position of suicide as the answer are these:

      1. Are the children (especially) and the family members of the deceased (who took their own life) “free”, or will they be forever be enslaved by what they saw, felt, and will forever suffer with emotionally
      as a result of a father’s suicide?

      2. Once a child of a “child support” order is free from the entrapment of an emotionally and psychologically abusive custodial mother, one who interfered and denied custody to the point where the father was unwillingly forced out of a child’s life, said child is free to re-engage their father after they’ve grown and left the formerly unbreakable control of the mother’s home. However, if the father committed suicide, where does that leave the children whom are now free from their mother’s oppressive control and desire a relationship with their father? A grave site to visit and “bond” with?

      3. Many of history’s great and well-known persons, such as Dewey Bozella Watchman Nee, Anne Frank, Corrie Ten Boom and many more would have amounted to next to nothing had they chosen “freedom” by committing suicide to escape their own horrendous situations. But again I ask, for whom would have suicide afforded freedom, those who took their lives, or those whose would have been freed (through the works of the aforementioned) had they not died by their own hands? Those I’ve mentioned changed the course of history because they made the selfless decision to stand strong, were determined not to succumb to defeat, and thereby freed others (and Dewey continues to) through their works.

      4. Prior to speaking of the ‘freedom’ found in suicide, one must be sure that they’re on the right side of religion. I don’t believe that suicide in and of itself causes God to cast someone into Hell as some religions proclaim, however I do believe in Hell, and don’t care to find myself in it after my life expires. Please understand that I don’t ask you to subscribe to my beliefs, I merely point to them to illustrate that if one’s seat in Heaven isn’t yet guaranteed, and they are met with death, then Hell is where they ultimately will find themselves. And that’s anything but freedom.

      So while I really appreciate your comments, and truly find them intriguing, I must disagree with your position on suicide. However, and with regard to your position on women, I think that you are very wise to be afraid of them. Personally, and given today’s nearly global anti-father climate, I think young men would be wise to forgo relationships and sex with women all together, and thereby live a life of solitude if they value their freedom.

      To further explain my position; I certainly don’t think that all women are evil, however many are, just as many men are. But the danger of dating, falling into love and have a child with an evil woman, is the difference in many cases, between a lifetime of freedom, or a lifetime of servitude, financial and emotional slavery and bondage. In short, a man has everything to lose, and for a lifetime in some cases, if he picks the wrong woman. Therefore, and given today’s climate of misandry, my advice to men both young and old would be, “stay single and stay celibate, as you have everything to lose, for a lifetime in some cases, if you choose the wrong woman.”

      Since you mentioned being French and given your email address, please visit the Canadian website, and more specifically the area Men who Broke.


      Tony Fantetti

  12. Angela Exxxxxxx says:


    I am from Maine, have 2 sons ages 12 and 18, these stories remind me of my own efforts and tribulations. I owe 5k in back support for my eldest son who stayed with my former husband. My former husband and his now ex-wife robbed me of seeing my 1st born for 4 years (age 12 to 16). I am not an addict of any sort, in fact, my former husband is starting a marijuana farm with his current gf and my eldest smokes on a daily basis. My tax return will go to the back child support, much need in my own household. I don’t receive support for my youngest as he lived apart from me for 6 years. The result of many lies told to DHHS from my former husband, accusing my current husband of sexually molesting my youngest who was 6 at the time. This accusation was thrown out of court but the boys were not permitted to live with me as I fought against the accusations. I sometimes become frustrated as I am behind on so many bills, and think of ending the pain…but then I wouldn’t be around for my sons through their lives…eventually this will pass. Just know you are not many men and women struggle with child support payments. Good Luck to everyone…Appreciate your cause..even though geared toward fathers…I too had an absent bio-dad and had a step-dad…you can never get the years back…

  13. Ben says:

    I would like to thank all of the fathers that have shared their stories and their experiences.

    At one time in my life, all be it not long ago, I would have share the sentiment of public opinion voicing “Well, that’s too bad, life sucks and you should have covered your bases.” So ignorant are we, even though we feel as if we have a grasp on what life is all about, we can never know truly until we experience. To swim is to feel the sensation and experience, you can never really relate from the experience of others.

    So, my journey begins also. And as many of you have come to find out, you are not alone. The multitude of feelings and thoughts that are relentless. Coupled with a helplessness that none can truly relate, is shared.

    I’ve tried explaining to those who I love (family members) that I would be utterly surprised if I didn’t lose my house, and the very things I have worked for with honesty and integrity. Or lose my license and my employment, then suffer the true extent of the ‘law’ and end up locked in a cage doing time.
    They can’t relate. And bless them for being positive, but their positivity is based primarily on ‘fairness and equality’ and not on a hindering system that protects itself under the phrase of ‘in the best interest of the children’. The law is only upheld to benefit the recipient of the votes, and dare I say it, but we are the minority. And only a minority feel any sympathy that we are treated with any dignity or respect in regards to doing the right thing. Sadly the ‘right thing’ generates little to no revenue, coupled with the fact that it doesn’t empower another individual to the point of holding you under their thumb.

    All I can say is that you are NOT alone. We have and are being cheated by those hiding behind greed and pride, throwing what is good and just to the wind. I personally don’t have any answer as to what to do. But I would prefer to live my days far into the wild than behind bars accused of a crime that is committed by someone else. Like many of you, my fore-fathers fought for freedom and equality, yet we have none.

    • Tony Fantetti says:

      Well said Ben. You hit the nail on the head squarely with these two sentences, “So ignorant are we, even though we feel as if we have a grasp on what life is all about, we can never know truly until we experience. To swim is to feel the sensation and experience, you can never really relate from the experience of others..
      So, my journey begins also. And as many of you have come to find out, you are not alone. The multitude of feelings and thoughts that are relentless. Coupled with a helplessness that none can truly relate, is shared.”

      And so it is with the experience of paying “child support.” I quote “child support” because as you probably already know, little to none of that money is actually spent on the child. Studies have shown that it supports the custodial parents lifestyle. And that, often at the expense of the children who are said to be recipients of the order.

      Regarding your comment about our fore-fathers. You again hit the nail squarely on the head, and it’s truly sad. However, a good portion of the populace, and out of their own ignorance, continues to trade theirs (and ours) personal liberties for more and more government control over our lives, and thereby inviting and willfully accepting tyranny. And such is usually exchanged for more and more government handouts.


      Tony Fantetti

  14. Tracey Jackson says:

    In the summer of 2008 my husband walked off a job, but quickly realizing it was a mistake, he went back then later was let go. So he applied for and received unemployment. In December of that year he was called for paternity testing of a 4 year old boy that he did not know about at all, he was found to be the father. Immediately he was called to child support hearing for establishing support, Feb 2009. During the court proceeding the judge decided he was voluntarily unemployed – what he was unemployed before he ever even knew about the child…so he did not quit a job to avoid payment…anyway. He was ordered to pay child support and it went out of his unemployment based upon what he would make if he were working 35 hours at a minimum wage job…needless to say he ended up bringing home $84 dollars a week while his child support was 200 a month.

    In 2010 his unemployment ran out and he fell behind, but because the judge had already determined he was voluntarily unemployed in 2008-09 in the beginning of the financial slump, he was unable to receive any assistance to lower his obligations for child support or anything. He fell behind over a year before he became employed again.

    During this time, the son, who did not know he had a father out there supporting him, didn’t ever meet him. Last year we received a surprise message via Facebook to contact the Mom to meet his now 7 year old son. We met him and thought we had a plan on how to be involved in his life, Mom being agreeable and everything…all of the sudden. He was working and paying current and some arrear child support and finally seeing his son. Then in August Mom plans this big vacation for her and her new husband, and my husbands son and his five other siblings. She brags about it and and tells everyone about it. Then I get a message asking what happened to the IRS tax check that she was supposed to receive for child support. I explained as he had not worked and I was not responsible for their child support IRS gave it back to me…she was mad and told me that now they couldn’t go on vacation. Really, I have a family of five and we could never afford a vacation and I was very upset that the child support was going to fund a vacation for the entire family, the step family who was new and did not support him that whole year. Since then we have not seen his son, he is now 8 and thinking that his Dad doesn’t want to support him, all the while she is receiving child support and does not have to let him visit. My husband will have to fork out more money to have visitation rights to his son, whom he has supported for over 3 years now and all the while we know that his support isn’t going to fund the child himself…he shares all clothes and all toys with a step brother who is bigger than him and during the time we seen him she didn’t buy him anything besides a single hot wheel car. So if the only thing she gets him is food and lodging with that child support, it would appear that my husband is the only one supporting him. Since in their house they receive SS for one step daughter, SSI for her, SSI for one step son, and child support from my husband for his son, and her husband works (NONE of this extra income is figured in her current support figures either).

    But in all of this, I have to say what most disturbs me is that when a woman becomes pregnant she holds all the cards, she decided to keep or not keep the child, she decides to name or not name the father, she gets free legal assistance to get support, she doesn’t have to pay for attorney’s or court fees for paternity testing or child support hearings. Then on top of that she gets full custody and doesn’t have to even let the Dad be a Dad, just a check. I feel that when paternity is established child support should establish visitations at the time of support… if Mom doesn’t want the child around the Dad, she should be ok with not getting paid child support. I think if they went hand in hand, we would have more fathers involved with their kids and less fights with Mom’s who don’t want to let the child have a Dad. I do not see it as fair that the father has to pay for everything he does concerning the child and still never get to see him…my husband was supporting and will pay for support for three years of his son’s life in which his son didn’t know he existed and now his son knows and Mom is telling him his Dad is a deadbeat while she receives and uses child support for him twice a month.

    We need someone to help change these laws, if a woman wants the check and doesn’t have to pay to get that, then man should have the right to get fair consideration for visitation without the costs as well.

  15. Tony Fantetti says:


    I cannot tell you how much I truly wish that women with stories such as yours, would post them here more often.

    I’ve often written about the vacations etc that single child support moms, who hold all the cards and do so intentionally, take vacations etc with “their children’s” child support monies.

    Clearly there are some dads out there who do the same, but the numbers are few considering that 84% of custodial parents nationwide are women.

    It’s usually the second wife of a man with an existing ‘child support” order who comes to know the truth. And in your case with the tax refund, the same happened to my current wife. They did seize her money and turn it over to my former wife. However, we had so much going on at the time that we were too worn out (physically and emotionally) to fight it.

    Again, the words you write are so true, and I sincerely thank you for taking the time to post and share what you have.

    I kind of chuckled to myself when you explained what happened with the cancelled vacation (for an entire family) that was to be funded by the interception of a tax refund, for “child support” for one child. How is it, that an entire family (new husband included) is benefiting from one little boys child support? And it’s truly supposed to be “his” money, not his mothers to be used to fund a family vacation.

    And that chuckle I mentioned as I read through your story above? It wasn’t in humor, it was in total disgust.

    Thanks again for sharing Tracey.

    Tony Fantetti

  16. brandon says:

    I should kill myself…. I go to jail once a year just cuz I’m a father. On planet earth, if you have a dick, you are a financial slave. Why live? I will never trust anything with a vagina ever again. I think I’m gonna swallow these tylenol now. All 20 of em

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      Are you not a father? That alone is reason to live. How many children do you have?


      • Jake says:

        You’re awesome. This site is great and so sad. I’m dealing with it too. Do you have time to talk on the phone? You can email me and we can exchange numbers. I would like to ask you some things about child support. My brother is trying to work out a deal with my ex. Keep up the good work on the site!


  17. Harlem says:

    At the beginning of August of 2007, i was told i was going to be a father at the end of August of 2007. I was a 17 year old boy who just graduated from High School and was on my way to attend college. This was a secret hidden from me for 9 months. I continued to go away to college. During my time at college i regularly visited home once a month to see my daughter.

    Around January 2008, my daughter’s mother began to show signs of hate against me and my family, not allowing my parents to see my daughter while i was away at college and not allowing me to see my daughter outside of her house.

    I took a 3 month break and decided to go to court and fight visitation in April. My name was not on the birth certificate and I was not on child support. I was forced to put myself on child support, being a college student they could only charge 25 dollars a month.

    Before going to court, I was already sending a 100 dollars a month until she decided to stop my visits. Before going to court, my daughter’s mother tried to attack my mother, my mother however did not want me to retaliate against her.

    In April, when we attend court for the first time, my name was put on the birth certificate, i was awarded monthly visitation while in college and child support was awarded the mother. FINE, i have no issue with that. As the year and my visitations progress the mother violated several court orders and lied to the judge on several occasions which put me in the best position to receive Joint-Custody. The mother was also found guilty on 3 counts of contempt for not following court orders in regards to visitation, she also currently owes 11,000 in legal fees to me. An agreement was signed 4 years later. I had gotten joint-custody, i have visitation every Wednesday and every other weekend and every other holiday.

    In April 2013, she filed for an increase in child support. I had no objections against that, when we attended court in May, the case was pushed back until August to give me sometime to find full time employment because i was currently working part time (the economy is so terrible) I looked and applied to several jobs and received nothing by August. In August 2013, the judge said “SINCE YOUR A COLLEGE GRADUATE, YOU SHOULD BE MAKING 50,000 A YEAR” and from there she input my income as 50k a year.

    I am only 24 years old and have never made 50k a year, I have been out of college since 2011 and have worked everyday since my graduation. I have never been unemployed and work hard. When she awarded the new child support of 152 a week, it immediately put me in arrears and i have owed 3,000 since August. I have been paying 65 percent of my check since August 2013, bringing home only 200 dollars every 2 weeks. Living in New York, 200 dollars is no way to live a life and by no means where I can take care of my daughter when she is spending time with me.

    I have been stressed and constantly thinking of suicide daily. I have filed an appeal on behalf of the awarded judgement. My court date is Monday, March 3, 2014 if my child support is not lowered I honestly don’t know what i will do. I am only 24 and I have been railroaded by the justice system.

    Since i decided to go to college and get my education, I am being punished for it. I can not afford to pay my mother rent, i can not afford to pay my student loans, and I can not afford to be happy. This whole process has ruined my relationship with my mother and my former girlfriend. As a man we are suppose to be providers, we are suppose to make money and provide. I am so depressed i don’t take pride in going out anymore, i don’t care who loves me and who doesn’t. Everyone has ideas and wants to give opinions about how to save money but no one understands a struggle until they put the shoes on. No one understands that 200 dollars every 2 weeks is impossible to save.

    Today I was asked what if my child support is lowered and i had to look at my friend and tell her I am going to kill myself. Many people may say happiness doesn’t grow on tress but until they have no money, they will not understand what fathers go through paying child support.

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      What’s your location, are you in Ohio or New York? In Ohio, the courts can impute income, but it’s generally based on a proven earnings history. Not that such is just because it simply is not in this economy. They don’t have the power to make up an arbitrary number and say that you should be making it such.

      “”Everyone has ideas and wants to give opinions about how to save money but no one understands a struggle until they put the shoes on. No one understands that 200 dollars every 2 weeks is impossible to save.””

      I understand what you’re going through, every bit of it. I’ve been where you are. Suicide is not the answer, I can tell you that with certitude. Had I taken that road, I wouldn’t be replying to you now, nor could have I responded to those that I have. Your daughter needs you, and with a mother like hers, she’s going to need you a lot more as she grows up, trust me. Are you really willing to leave your daughter alone with her mother, growing up without you?

      Tony Fantetti

  18. The other mother says:

    Hello all;

    I’ve read most of the stories published on this webpage….I am the other mother, My husband had a one night stand years ago….I didn’t know about it, we were young, until last year he was summoned for child support ranging back to 12 years, the child is 14 years old as of last year….we had no knowledge of this child existed, my husband was required to take a paternity test, which he did. We also found out that someone elses name was on the birth certificate. Within all these years, we never knew about this child, we tried asking her why now? why wait so long for my husband to have a relationship with his child? She knew where we lived….we didn’t understand. Her and Child Support Services wanted back payment from when the child was 2 years old, which is a little over 40K….she indicated shes a single parent and needs the money. It was so surreal, because, my husband and I have 3 children, the “law” is benefiting only that one child to be supported, MY kids were not ….so his income to pay child support was to pay, which didn’t leave any to support his current family. On another note, the mother who’s claiming child support is already receiving child support for another child, from the person on the birth certificate for the child he’s suppose to pay for. He is my husbands son, and its put my husband in a turmoil, when they say he has to pay back pay for all the years Child Support Service is claiming….I never thought I would be in this situation, but base on what I was reading from your stories, it is hard to cope with a child that you didn’t know about….and its base on the benefit of the child, what about my kids with him. Why is it a percentage, why can’t they just use one amount per child and not base on gross. I’m sorry for what you all have been through due to child support, for myself, I know I wouldn’t put my husband in the situation, I would just want him in our child’s lives and support and pay the kids himself, allowance, clothes, etc. I am independent, I wish all the ladies would do the same and keep greed out of the situation, think about your child.

    • Tony Fantetti says:

      The other mother,

      I’m sorry for your situation. I’m sure it has been emotionally devastating for you on many fronts. I’m unclear on one point; has the “father” whose name appears on the birth certificate for your husband’s child, been ordered to pay “child support” for this same child? If the answer is no, it’s not one that I’d take at face value.

      It’s both immoral and despicable that she can come forth, 12 years after the fact, play the poor “single mom” card, and thereby financially destroy your household for the sake of enriching her immoral self with the $40,000 in back “child support” that he’s been ordered to pay. It’s with the same assurance as the sun rising and setting that I make the following claim; little to none of the money that he’s been ordered to pay to that “thief” (and that’s what she is) will go to support that child. That’s reality.

      Do I believe that he should be financially responsible for that child? Absolutely. However, the amount of that financial responsibility is far less than what the state has ordered him to pay, and I don’t need to see your support order to make that claim. Current statues were written in such a manner as to financially destroy the “child support” paying parent, which is the father in about 84% of cases nationwide.

      And given that she knew who the real father was and where he lived for all of those years and said nothing, my idea of just and fair support would be half of the proven expenses at most, and probably much less or nothing given she a child out of a relationship with a father and vice-versa. But unfortunately, morality doesn’t govern the system, greed does, and at the expense of children and families alike. I will state again what I’ve said many times before; if the State of Ohio truly cared in the least about, “the best interest of the child” then there would exist today, statutorily, guidelines that would prohibit the use of Ohio “Child Support” debit cards (aka Ohio e-Quickpay) from being used to purchase things such as cigarettes, alcohol, salon (tanning, hair, nail) as well as using the cards at casinos, for cruises, in bars, resorts etc. Instead, Ohio’s “child support” statutes state in part, “the money is “presumed” to be spent on the child. Really? “Presumed?”

      That right there says it all; the State of Ohio does NOT CARE in the least whether or not the true recipient of “child support” (the child) sees even one dime of that money. All Ohio cares about is the profit that the state “earns” off of the backs of Ohio’s children.

      Whatever his “child support” order was set at, under current Ohio statutes, the court could and should have, taken into account the fact that he must support 4 children, 3 of which are in your household. And if his attorney didn’t argue diligently for the same, then they need to explain themselves.

      Tony Fantetti

  19. Brandon W. says:


    I am 25 years old, andI have been mentally/emotionally unstable for a very long time. I’ve been struggling with mental difficulties since I was a child, most especially since I was 13 and moved out of my parents’ house.
    I’ve just now started getting to a point in my life where I’ve felt like I’ve been healing. I’ve been “getting it together,” so to speak, and my main motivation has been my daughter.
    I am currently incapable of getting a job where I live, because I have a couple of small tribal tattoos on my face. To combat this situation, I spent the summer getting my GED and I enrolled in college as a Full Time Student in order to try to find a fulfilling career so that I can adequately support my daughter.
    My ex wife filed these child support proceedings while I was homeless, drifting around the country lost (mentally), and unaware of the case action. My ex seems to have lied on the financial afidavits, because I finally found my support case online the other day and the amount that I am ordered to pay is through the roof. In my state it’s based on combined income. She makes MAYBE 1000 a month. At the time she filled out the papers, I made nothing. I’m being charged as though we made 8000 a month combined. Also, she lied about when our relationship terminated, and my arrears are in the double-digit thousands (in the beginning) because of it.
    I’m trying to get into my school’s work-study program so that I have a taxable income to pay my support. I’m trying to keep my grades up and do well. I’m trying to file for case modification so that this isn’t such an unfair and crushing weight. In the meantime, debt keeps wracking up. Enforcement actions keep happening due to my states “automated enforcement system.”
    This is all very stressful. I’m finally getting into a stable place in my life where I feel like I’ll soon actually have a chance at raising/supporting my daughter the way I should, and now the whole world is against me.
    I am not making an idle boast, or seeking attention, when I say- here and now- that I WILL NOT rot in a jail cell over this. I will die first. I’ve heard too many horror stories of trying fathers being sent to jail for back child support and virtually NEVER getting out. I swear now, on my daughter’s very life, that I will not get caught in that system.
    Death would be preferable to the quality of life one can expect in the penal system.
    I don’t know why I posted this. I was contemplating taking my own life over this. I googled about it. I found this article.
    When I kill myself, I will do it right. There will be no “failed attempt.”

    • Shelly says:

      I hope you come back to the blog and read this, and read more of what others have gone through. Please don’t consider suicide. It would be letting your ex and the state take you away from your daughter permanently, and a child needs their father. I was run through the family courts back in 2010 – 2011. My husband has been fighting for 13 years. We have had our exes deny visitation and have both been subject to child support orders that left him homeless and would have left me homeless if he hadn’t moved in with me. This includes arrears where orders were jacked up and back dated and no payments were actually missed. It is pure hell and an exhausting battle but things will get better. Please continue to work to improve your life and take care of yourself. Things got better for us and things will turn around for you, too, although it’s hard to believe sometimes.

  20. Russ says:

    Your article spoke volumes to my story as I too am at the edge wondering what the point of going on is. I am a dentist with such exorbitant payments that I have been forced to move in with my parents so she can maintain her pre divorce life style. She has watched and also relished in my deteriorating mental state. I can’t concentrate at work and am probably facing losing my Job because of it. I have no hope for a better future. In a way I already died when she was granted full custody, taking the only thing I cared about in life away from me. I just want the pain to end. I just want to be done.

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      Given the shock and horror that you’ve experienced at the hands of “Family Court,” everything you are feeling is normal. Please trust me as I’ve been exactly where you are. It takes years in some cases to accept, understand, and begin to live with the financial and emotional devastation that you’ve experienced. Please know that contrary to how you feel, and how real are those feelings are that you feel, there IS a future. You just have make a conscious decision to be there for your child, even if that means you’re only capable of putting one foot before the other each day. Please read as it may help you begin to start processing what you’re thinking and feeling. Along with having the most precious thing in your life taken from you, you’ve also been financially raped. And I don’t use the word raped lightly. Exorbitant amounts of money that euphemistically referred to as “child support”, (which in reality is mommy support or ex-spouse support in most cases as very little of that money makes it to the child) has been, and will continue to be stolen from you for years to come. That’s an immoral, unjustified, legalized theft of your money and it feels ugly.

      Tony Fantetti

  21. Steven says:

    Hey everyone,

    Sorry to hear about a lot of your stories.

    I also am feeling the pain and trying to find any reason to keep going. I am a decorated Vet that had to get out of the military after 10 years of service do to injury obtained. That was very hard for me because my dream was to always serve my country. I was able to pick myself up after about a year of being in the dumps. I started working 60 hours a week and going to school at night for the next three years. I was able to obtain a degree and land my dream job (also about to finish my MBA). I broke up with my ex girlfriend about a year ago and she moved 3000 miles away to live with her mom (she had drinking and drug problems hasn’t worked in 4 years). She called me about a month after we broke up and told me “I’m having twins and you will never see them”. 11 months later I still haven’t seen them because I work all the time to pay for them and the hospital bills and she just got award $2500 a month in child support. There is no way I will be able to pay that and also stay afloat even if I cut every bill I have in half . I dont think I can pick myself up again, I am over it. The country I fought for screwed me over because I tried to be a positive member of society. I am done

    • Tony Fantetti says:


      Did the CSEA know what your income was when they awarded your ex-girlfriend her disgusting “lottery award?” Because that’s exactly what that is, a lottery payout at your emotional and financial expense. It has nothing to do with “child support” and is “mommy support” plain and simple. Also, there is hope, if you are willing to choose that route. Are you?

      Please feel free to email me at tony(dot)fantetti(at)ocffr(dot)org
      And I want to thank you for your service to our country Steven.


      Tony Fantetti