There are Hundreds of Thousands of Others Living Your Nightmare

It is my opinion that a phrase that keeps repeating is a phrase that should be written about. For those living the nightmare as that of a beaten down, tired, and financially ruined non-custodial parent (NCP) repeat the following simple but powerful phrases until you believe them: “I’m not alone,” “this is real,” “I’m not crazy,” “there is hope.”

The majority of Ohio Council For Fathers Rights (OCFFR) members I have spoken to are so relieved after they tell me, “I thought I was the only one.” I can almost feel their relief as soon as their burden is lifted.

Common phrases that follow are, “I thought I was going crazy,” “I began to wonder if it was real,” “I kept hoping I’d wake up.” Trust me when I tell you, “I’ve been there.” For three and one half years I too thought, “I was the only one.” Phrases such as, “You must have done something to make the judge mad,” “I’ve never heard of anything like this before,” “you have to be exaggerating” were uttered repeatedly by those who didn’t understand.

How else could Ohio make hundreds of millions of dollars annually in profits off of child support collections and foster care? You read that correctly, Ohio EARNS A PROFIT off of a child who is torn away from their family then placed in foster care.

By demonizing Dads with their annual “Deadbeat Dad” roundups and their endless child support “Most Wanted” posters, Ohio has managed to deceive the public for more than a decade as they raked in what I suspect is billions of dollars in profits. This while foster children like Marcus Fiesel were being murdered, and as Dads across Ohio were committing suicide out of “hope.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Fiesel

I challenge anyone around the world reading this to disprove my contention that it is all about the money one when considers the following: Why doesn’t Ohio have annual child molester roundups, why not annual rapists roundups, or how about annual child pornographer roundups?

It’s simple, protecting Ohio children from child molesters and child pornographers doesn’t generate hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue as does mining the pockets of a man who dared to become a Father. Next, they incarcerate him for being a “deadbeat” after they’ve bankrupted him.

I am not, by any means marginalizing the unimaginable horrors experienced by children when demented adults prey upon and victimize them. However, when Ohio decimates countless lives under their false mantra, “it’s in the best interest of the children” as their lying CSEA employees cause another innocent man to be sent to prison, someone needs to start asking some questions.

Mislabeling a Father who lost his job as a “deadbeat” and plastering his face on wanted posters and billboards across the state are in a child’s best interests, when there are most likely wanted sex offenders on fugitive warrant lists who may offend again before they are apprehended?

Tony Fantetti
Ohio Council For Fathers Rights
tony.fantetti(at)ocffr(dot)org
http://www.ocffr.org/blog
http://www.ocffr.org/

This entry was posted in Child Support, Child Support Hurts, Suicide, This is in the "Best Interests of the Children?", Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to There are Hundreds of Thousands of Others Living Your Nightmare

  1. Butch Hawkins says:

    Man do I ever understand! I have been dealing with the Butler County CSEA for what seems like an eternity. I could not believe the treatment I got from the court during the divorce. The fact that SHE CHEATED NOT ME. did not matter at all. All I was guilty of was providing a decent living for my family and working hard. But I got raked over the coals.

    When I lost my job I lost my house, truck, and almost everything else. Had to move to Arkansas where my family lived because I had no one in Ohio. Finally got a job in Texas and was stupid enough to call them and give them my employment details. The next check I got was $150.00. No suprise, lost that one too. Got another job and this time didn’t tell them. They found me and I couldn’t afford even the gas to get to work. So I went back to Arkansas and tried to survive as best I could. All the time the Ex would not let me even talk to my kids. She even had a restraining order put on me saying I threatened to kill her and her new husband. NOT TRUE!

    The Ohio issued a warrant. So I turned myself in. They had a $25,000 arrears against me. Spent 36 days in county jail before they convicted me of a felony. Luckily I had a heart attack and bypass surgery soon after that. So I got VA pension. Got my CHild support redused but it took almost a year because they either didn’t send me the correct paperwork, or lost what I sent back (Yeah right).

    Started sending money orders in to pay the support, but wouldn’t you know it……some of them never made it. So they issued another warrant, this time claiming me as a fugitive felon. That got my VA pension cut off, and I had no idea all this was happening. Got that fixed, got my VA back, and began to use the Expertpay website to pay the support. But back in September, it somehow was cancelled by the system. Once again I had no idea because the money left my account, but never made it to the CSEA. So now they want $1,600 and I have no idea where I’m going to get it. I called them and told them I was trying to secure a loan. But they will issue a warrant if I don’t hurry, and then there goes my VA again along with my ability to pay.

    There are more details, but all through this, I get the impression that somehow my ex is talking to someone at the CSEA and they never seem to want to listen to me.

    Anybody else?

  2. single working mother says:

    Another perspective, from a single, working [struggling] mother. First, it takes a LONG time of not paying to reach $20,000+ at 2-3 hundred a month. My ex has continually changed jobs, worked under the table, quit a job before the [legally mandatory wage garnishment in OH] of his $235/month. Now, 14 years later, he owes his son more than 34,000. All the while, I worked full time, provided insurance, obtained a MS – but left him to basically raise himself in order to fill in the gap left by that unpaid money/medical insurance. There are 2 sides to every coin.
    NB Ohio law requires 2 things: 1-payments to be made via wage garnishment and 2-a biannual review (if requested by either party) that must be completed within 30 days of request.
    Ohioans would be more sympathetic if there were not so many dads who simply ignore their responsibility to their child[ren]. After all, they end up suffering the worst… and I hear no concern for the children of that in any of these posts.

    • Tony Fantetti says:

      Thanks for your response, but my first question to you is this; who left whom? Did your ex willingly walk out of your son’s life, or did you kick him out?

      Next, if you kicked him out without morally just cause, then in my humble opinion you shouldn’t get one cent from your son’s father if he didn’t ask nor didn’t agree to be turned into a “paying visitor” of his own son.

      Why should you or any mother be financially rewarded for kicking a father out of his child’s life? You shouldn’t and that’s exactly what “child support” does; it financially rewards mothers for kicking fathers out of the lives of their children. They should be punished for that, not rewarded for it. Doing that is sick, selfish, twisted and outright child abuse, to willingly and selfishly deprive a child of a father when there exists no morally just cause for doing so.

      I can think of one way you could have avoided this whole mess; you could have simply given you son’s father full custody and paid him “child support.” How does that sit with you? I would assume not well as you wouldn’t financially profit off your son’s fatherlessness in that case would you?

      Understand that the tone of my comments is so because I’m tired of child support moms (CSMs) complaining about not getting “child support” when they could’ve avoided that scenario quite easily by granting the father sole custody and paying him child support in the first place.

      But that doesn’t work for most CSMs because it’s all about the money for them. They then cry and complain that, “the father doesn’t want to pay ‘child support'” and that “he only wants custody so he doesn’t have to pay ‘child support.'” However, what they won’t admit is that they want, demand and get sole custody for the very same reason they falsely accuse fathers of; money.

      Unless you are morally justified in having sole custody, then what I’ve said here applies to you. You are one of those CSMs I speak out against and write about on this site, and your taking of “child support” although legal, makes you no different than a common thief. Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right.

      It amazes me that you have the audacity, arrogance and disrespect to post such a shameful and baseless comment as the following, and speaks volumes about who you are as a person, and the morals you seemingly lack.
      “Ohioans would be more sympathetic if there were not so many dads who simply ignore their responsibility to their child[ren]. After all, they end up suffering the worst… and I hear no concern for the children of that in any of these posts.”

      So many dads who simply “ignore their responsibility to their children?” Would they also be those (84% of noncustodial parents nationwide, and whom you broadly, hatefully and falsely accuse of being “absent”)whereby most of them didn’t ask nor didn’t agree to be kicked out of their children’s lives and then financially raped for the next 18-26 years, and bankrupted as a result?

      You “hear no concern for those children” because you clearly haven’t read enough about me nor enough of these posts to “find that concern” you falsely accuse me of lacking.

      The only thing that unnerves me more than a deadbeat parent is someone like yourself who shamelessly levels false accusations not against me, but against that which I stand for, and those dads who themselves and their children are victims of greedy, selfish and thieving child support moms. Are you one if those CSMs? I ask, not accuse you of that, but would truly like to know.

      Are those dads you referenced the same as those who child support moms have kicked out of their child’s lives then sit around and complain about that “child support” which supports little more than the mothers lifestyle as studies have shown?

      To be frank, I’ve never penned a response to someone as I have to you, but I must admit that I don’t suffer fools well, and what you’ve falsely accused me if qualifies you for exactly that.

      The answer to your dilemma if you will is really quite simple. If you don’t want to find yourself complaining about the lack of “child support” for years on end, and just as a child sometimes complains endlessly about things they alone have the power to change, allow the father to take sole custody and then you pay him child support instead of you strong-arming full custody and a tax-free financial windfall for 18-26 years. See how simple it really is?

      Since you pretend to be so concerned about the children (but not concerned enough to not deprive a child of a father for life so you can financially profit?) and the “other side of the coin,” why didn’t you address those noncustodial mothers who don’t pay the custodial fathers child support?”

      After all, statistically speaking as a percentage, and despite there being far fewer noncustodial mothers than there are noncustodial fathers, there are far more noncustodial mothers (compared to noncustodial fathers) who default on their child support orders. Funny how you lack concern there.

      Lastly, how about you have the guts to post under your real name. How cowardly of you. And by the way, I believe there are far more single working fathers than there are mothers out there. The biggest difference between the two groups is that most of the fathers didn’t ask to be “single fathers.” They were unwillingly forced into that role by the many selfish and greedy “single mothers.”

      Kind regards ma’am,

      Tony Fantetti

      • single working mother says:

        a) I did not “kick him out” of his son’s life. We mutually ended out relationship due to his infidelity, drinking, and occasional cocaine use.
        b) I have -never-, I repeat, never, refused him the right to see his child.

        As is more common in this day and age, when our relationship ended, he viewed our son as a part of that relationship and walked away from him. Leaving ME to support our child 100%. He was asked by a court to pay 235.16 per month. A pittance compared to the cost of food, clothes, the extra rent, insurance, day cares, ad naseum. At several points over the years, I refused to have the amount raised AND refused to allow the city to pursue federal charges against him – I DEFENDED the man – until it reached 30,000 and my son began to ask why his father never helped (while we clearly struggled).

        NB. Child support is NOT money paid to a mother, it is money that is owed to THE CHILD to assist with their life. Over 14 years, he has sent exactly 798. Not ONE PENNY has been spent on me – we have bought clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. Nor do I know any man that has been “kicked out” of his child’s life. Men have legal rights to their children, in court, unless there is justification to have that right revoked. For every case you site, I can tell you a story about an abused woman who still has share custody, or a deadbeat dad who shows up every few months to rip a child out of his routine, ad naseum.

        But why I am posting here is beyond me. You clearly hate women, even [personally] attacking one you have never spoken with nor met. I mistakenly thought this so-called column was about bridging the gender gap for the sake of the children.

        • Tony Fantetti says:

          Why you post here is beyond me as well ma’am. You insult me with one of the most disrespectful comments anyone has ever made to me, then act surprised and play the victim when I respond as you deserve.

          Either you clearly no very little about me, or you intentionally provoked me with what you said. Nonetheless, you unjustly attacked me, and I’m sick and tired of people like you, and I’m more tired of being politically correct in my responses. So I therefore responded as I felt you deserved. And to be frank ma’am, I too cannot believe I continue to waste my time with you and wonder why I am doing so once again, but I digress.

          Read what I wrote above, and you’ll see where time and again where I exempted you if what I said didn’t apply to you. Obviously though, some things did apply or you wouldn’t have gotten as angry as you did.

          I have spent thousands of dollars of my own money and expended thousands of hours of my own time (and gone days without sleep) by serving others (both moms and dads) through what I do, and you have the unmitigated gall to wrongfully denigrate myself and all single fathers with your wholesale lies about “deadbeat dads”, falsely claiming I don’t care about the children, and your vile denial of fathers like me, who have been kicked out of their children’s lives.

          But as I said, and as you refuse to accept, the fact is that when it comes to percentages, more noncustodial mothers default on their “child support” orders than do noncustodial fathers, yet you continue to reference the wholesale lie about these allegedly large numbers of “deadbeat dads.”

          However, that doesn’t fit in with your biases and prejudices does it? If you want to falsely use the deadbeat label, than use it where it belongs; to describe the many deadbeat noncustodial mothers who fail to support their children and are rarely punished (unlike fathers) by the courts for not doing so, .

          If your ignorance of the lack of “father’s rights” weren’t so offensive and insulting to millions of fathers and children around the globe, I’d find it both laughable and amusing. Yet through it, you continue your unwarranted insults not so much towards me, but against those many terrific, loving, and heartbroken single fathers out there who can’t see their children. And why? Because the mother, out of nothing more than hate, spite and vindictiveness, won’t allow them to see (nor talk) their precious children.

          I personally have driven nearly 600 miles, one way, all night (through three states), and after working all day and having to work the next day to “visit” my daughter whom I love dearly, and only to be told, “you’re not getting her” by her mother. So you know what I did after I called the police so I’d have a witness to my presence? I drove the nearly 600 miles back home.

          That happened repeatedly. But hey, according to you, someone who is in the know and here to educate me, an obvious inferior fool compared to you, there are no fathers who have been kicked out of their children’s lives right? Also according to you, I have “rights” as a father don’t I? Just because I have a court ordered “visitation” schedule, I “have rights” don’t I?

          What was that you said again?

          “Nor do I know any man that has been “kicked out” of his child’s life. Men have legal rights to their children, in court, unless there is justification to have that right revoked.”

          By the way, and just to expose your ignorance for the sake of others; single fathers have NO “rights” to their children unless a judge specifically adjudicates the same through a “visitation” schedule.

          But lo and behold, according to you, I and all single fathers have rights don’t we? And just because you said so correct? Lets see what the court said about my “rights” shall we? After I spent $4,000 on legal fees to file a motion to have the mother of my daughter held in contempt of my “visitation” schedule, and after I called the police officers as witnesses to testify that I drove nearly 600 miles through three states to see my daughter, what did the court say about her actions? “Not guilty.” My daughter’s mother was not guilty of the contempt “allegations” I made, and that police officers testified to. Imagine that huh? I drove all night and across three states to see my daughter and “exercise my rights”, and I was told by her mother, “you’re not seeing your daughter. But let me tell you ma’am, I thank God for these “rights” that you (you!) say I have. Where would I , and fathers like I be, if we didn’t have those rights that you’ve so kindly conferred upon us?

          But single fathers without rights to their children don’t exist according to you; those same single fathers that I’ve spoken to, written to, heard crying and sobbing on the phone, and whom I’ve repeatedly visited in jail. And those same fathers who have posted to this blog out desperation and hopelessness before they killed themselves, it’s those same fathers you wrote about when you said this, Nor do I know any man that has been “kicked out” of his child’s life. Men have legal rights to their children, in court, unless there is justification to have that right revoked.

          You then proceed with the usual propagandist crap and lies ma’am; the lying domestic violence statistics such as this;

          “For every case you site, I can tell you a story about an abused woman who still has share custody, or a deadbeat dad who shows up every few months to rip a child out of his routine, ad naseum.”

          And in many cases, they’re just that, “stories.” If you were truly interested in the truth about domestic violence ma’am, you’d speak of the hundreds of worldwide studies that show that a woman is at least as likely as a man to perpetuate domestic violence. But that doesn’t fit your narrative does it? You imply that all fathers are deadbeats, and all men are domestically violent aren’t they? Why don’t you mention domestic violence such as this? Or, how about you do a Google search such at this when you reference domestic violence?

          So following your logic, you claim you know of no man that has been “kicked out of his child’s life,” and the not so subtle inference is that because you know of none, then none exist. Well, I personally know no murderers or rapists, so do they too don’t exist (according to your logic) right?

          Finally, I’ll waste more of my precious time (why I don’t know) to address your last lying statement which was,

          “But why I am posting here is beyond me. You clearly hate women, even [personally] attacking one you have never spoken with nor met. I mistakenly thought this so-called column was about bridging the gender gap for the sake of the children.”

          First and foremost in addressing that, is your pathetic attempt to portray yourself as a victim after you came here only with the intent of trolling, then slung mud in my face by attacking me personally as a person who has dedicated the last seven years of his life (and thousands of dollars and thousands of hours) to helping fathers, mothers, and children.

          So please ma’am, you’re ridiculous attempts to portray yourself as someone who wanted to engage in serious dialogue and thereby “bridge the gap” is insulting to everyone reading this. You don’t “bridge the gap” by attacking someone as you did me, and calling thousands of fathers you don’t know nor know nothing of their situations “deadbeats” because they are labeled as someone who fell behind in “child support” payments.

          I don’t hate women as you falsely claim. As a normal heterosexual male, I am enchanted by women and and blessed to be married to a highly intelligent, utterly stunning, and absolutely brilliant and incredibly wise woman. In fact, she’s so wise that when she advised me in matters, I believe I’ve heeded her advise in 100% of the situations where I’ve sought her counsel. I heed her advise because I recognize and value her unparalleled wisdom.

          Let’s talk about you. You didn’t mistakenly think think this “so-called column” was about bridging the gap, in fact your motives were to the contrary. You came here to attack myself and all single fathers just as you did, because you’re a very bitter, angry, vindictive and hateful women who most likely obsesses many times daily about the “child support” you don’t get.

          Out of either willful or unknowing ignorance (it really doesn’t matter which) you cite false claims (that denigrate fathers and men) in an attempt to present them as facts, and in doing so insult every good and loving single father out there, and I won’t tolerate that. Truth be told ma’am, I do believe that you are so deluded that you truly believe that you’re who has been unjustly attacked and thereby wronged here. And it’s that very delusion that you live in, whereby I believe you find yourself where you are today with regard to certain aspects of your life.

          It’s simply stunning to me that you attack both myself and all good and loving single fathers on my blog, and know neither myself nor any of those loving fathers you’ve labeled as “deadbeats”, then have the audacity to turn around and say that I’ve “personally attacked” a woman (you) whom I’ve never met. It’s just absolutely stunning to me that you don’t even see a hint of hypocrisy in your statement. Previously, I’ve had great dialogue with both single moms and single moms by choice, whereby each of us learned a great deal about the others situation. However those ladies (and unlike yourself) truly were interested in achieving meaningful results.

          You are 100% correct in stating that I don’t know you personally ma’am, but by God I know your type and know enough of you from how you’ve attacked me (and single fathers) to know that I detest people (male and female ma’am) just like yourself.

          In closing, I respectfully request that you never post here again ma’am. Oh, and regarding your “PS comment” where you said,

          “PS. You are seriously out of touch with your “it’s all about the money for them” comment. Maybe you have married/dated some righteous trash in your lifetime – but for the women in my circle and experience, it’s all about the children for them.”

          Please allow me to take the liberty to further enlighten you…You stated, “-but for the women in my circle and experience, it’s all about the children to them.” That claim ma’am is the height of of your hypocrisy; I assume that by those “in your circle” you’re referring to other single moms. Well, if it were truly “all about the children” they wouldn’t be single moms now would they? If it were “all about the children” they would have done everything in their power to keep their families intact so that their children would grow up with fathers in their lives correct?

          I’m sure that most children who have been separated from their fathers, and due to their mother’s unilateral choice to be a single mom, would rather have had an intact family, with their father in the their home, and not a “child support” check (that few children benefit from) now wouldn’t they? But hey, their mothers, while acting in consideration of it being “all about the children” decided that they (the kids) were going to have “visitors” in their life in lieu of fathers right? That’s your idea of “it’s all about the children?” That’s some circle of friends you keep ma’am.

          But wait a minute, maybe I do get it. In your circle and your experience; in every case where those you reference are single moms, the father is the low-life, degenerate partner in the relationship right? In every case, the father is the loser, the deadbeat, the drug addict, the abuser, the drunk, the cheater the low life? Wow, it just amazes me how in every case of divorce, in every case of single moms where the spouse didn’t pass away, the relationship failed because of the man, always.

          Also, “incredulous”, is how I describe your accusation that I hate women ma’am. For I think it’s you who hate men, and that clearly showed in the first comment you posted where you attacked them and me, then tried to paint yourself the victim after doing so. And a couple of more things about your “story” I’d like to point out; you claimed, “you refused to allow the city to pursue federal charges” against your ex. There’s two things wrong with that statement; 1. Federal charges are brought forth in “child support” matters, they are state charges. 2. City government is NOT involved in “child support” matters, county government is.

          Additionally, your claims of a mutual separation agreement don’t make a bit of sense. You claim you came to a “mutual agreement” that included “child support” he was “asked by a court” to pay. Why would a man (or woman) even bother with coming to a “mutual” agreement with another person, and not uphold any portion of that agreement? In other words, why would someone who has absolutely no intention of keeping their end of a agreement, waste the time it takes to make an agreement to begin with? It seems to me they’d refuse to sit down and talk to begin with.

          Moreover, you stated, “My ex has continually changed jobs, worked under the table, quit a job before the [legally mandatory wage garnishment in OH] of his $235/month”, yet his done all of that in lieu of a mutual agreement (per your claims) between the two of you? Something with your story doesn’t add up here.

          You claim to have a Master in Science, yet state that your ex’s refusal to pay a pittance of $235.16 in “child support” has caused you to struggle so much financially that even your son has noticed. A Master’s in Science and you’re not only “hurting” for money, a paltry $235.16/month has put you in dire financial straits? I pay far more than than each month and most likely make far less money that do you since I don’t possess a Master’s in Science, and yet I’m not in dire financial straits lie you claim to be. You have to be earning $90,000+ per year with that degree, and yet you’re a “struggling single mom” as you claimed and identified yourself as???

          I presume your wedding vows included “for better or for worse” as most do, however his alleged drinking, womanizing and cocaine use aren’t forgiven and thereby covered under “for better or for worse.” You also mentioned that your son “began to ask why his father never helped out while you clearly struggled.” Well how would you son know your ex wasn’t helping out financially unless you were bad-mouthing and denigrating your ex to your son? Is that an acceptable thing for a mother to do?

          Someone’s financial struggle could be caused my many things, drug/alcohol addiction, financial mismanagement, shopping or eating out too much, using credit cards, and on and on, the list is endless. Yet your son somehow knows that your financial struggles are due to your ex not paying “child support.” You were right when you stated, “there are two sides to every story.” It would be interesting to know what you son’s father would have to say.

          You stated that, “Child support is NOT money paid to a mother, it is money that is owed to THE CHILD to assist with their life.” So, with that being the case ma’am, and with the “child support” money ONLY being used as you claim to assist with a child’s life, how is it possible that you’re this poor “struggling single mom,” and that your household is in utter and complete financial distress due to your ex not paying his “child support” that he owes to his son as you allege? Wouldn’t your son only be the one struggling since the dollars are only to be spent on him?

          And yet you make it sound as it your entire world is caving in financially, and that, despite you possessing a Master’s in Science (a very high paying degree in our world of science in technology) all because your son isn’t receiving his “child support?” Perhaps what you need is to take a few college level classes in managing household finances?

          There are exceedingly poor people, especially in Appalachia,who spend more than $235/mo (your missing monthly “child support” payment) to support their monthly tobacco usage and they aren’t struggling nearly as badly as you claim to be.

          And ma’am, you claim that it “isn’t about the money.” Well, if it “isn’t about the money,” then why did you post here in the first place (and your first comment) where you were complaining about the money you were owed? I’ll tell you what, please disregard my request that you never post here again, and instead do so in an attempt to explain yourself and thereby educate me (an obvious moron compared to you) about your “struggling single mom” woes.

          Regards,

          Tony Fantetti

  3. single working mother says:

    PS. You are seriously out of touch with your “it’s all about the money for them” comment. Maybe you have married/dated some righteous trash in your lifetime – but for the women in my circle and experience, it’s all about the children for them.

    • Keith says:

      Single Working Mother: It is so very often about the money with a lot of mothers. This does not apply to all mothers. I have been in the courtroom where I would often overhear these “mothers” planning out their attack of the fathers which discussed me to no end. This may not be an issue in your so called circle of women friend, but your circle does not encompass every single mother out there now does it? And to some small degree, or at least with your post, money does become an issue with you as well. I’ve not heard anyone mention the emotional support or physical support the child so needs from the father, but the money support that seems to be the biggest prize of them and I for one will never understand that.